Earlier this year, we went on a 12 night cruise from the UK to the Mediterranean with my husband. It wasn’t the best holiday we’ve ever had. It wasn’t our first cruise, but the first on a ship with over 5,000 passengers. 2,000 more than we were used to.

I wrote at least 500 words every day. Some days a short story, and others, an observation or essay. This is an observation that was written towards the end of the cruise, and perhaps reflects the experience we had.

Please remember that this is a tongue in cheek observation.

Updated Cruise Etiquette

(Based upon my observations of passenger behaviour on a large ship in 2025)

1. Reserve the best, comfy chairs and/or sunbeds as early in the day as possible. Don’t worry if you’re not planning to use them for at least three hours. The signs that the cruise company place around the ship advising you not to do this are there just to look pretty. The crew never bothers to enforce the rules.
2.  Ignore the polite requests from the crew (and the signs) to wash your hands or use the hand sanitiser after using the toilet, or before you enter a dining room or restaurant to eat. And it is perfectly acceptable to laugh at those who do make the effort to sanitise their hands.
3. There is no need to push your chair in when you leave a table. The more that you can inconvenience a wheelchair/pushchair user or a mobility scooter the better.
4. Encourage your little one (if you have one), to run around the bars and public areas. After all it is so important that they can burn off excessive energy. Why not give them a challenge at the end of an evening. Get them to make as much noise as possible when they run down the corridors to their cabin. Or maybe see if they can stomp around like elephants. Ten pm, or later, is the perfect time to do this.
5. Choose the busiest time in the breakfast buffet to fill your drinks bottles to the brim with the free fruit juice After all, it’s the only time in the day it is free (unless you are rich enough to have the drinks package). The gathering queue behind you won’t mind the wait to get their breakfast.
6. Another one for those with children: Let your little darlings use the whirlpools and hot tubs (especially if they are wearing nappies). After all, the signs with the rules clearly printed on them, are there to be ignored (see number 1).
7. When visiting the theatre, talk to your companion as loudly and as often as possible. If you’re not sure whether you’re going to like the show, choose the seats in the middle of the row. Then if you hate it and want to leave, you can do so in the middle of a song/routine. The people behind won’t mind their view being obscured when you stand up and the rest of your row won’t mind standing up to let you by. After all the free shows are all part of your cruise package. You’re entitled to do what you want.
8. If you enjoy the show but want to be at the bar first when it finishes, and/or avoid the crush at the exits; leave halfway through the finale. I’m sure the performers understand and appreciate that you have a desperate thirst.

Remember that this is updated cruise advice to ensure that you look after number one – and sod everybody else.

After all, there’s only another 4,999 passengers on board!